Friday Funnies

Poor Understanding of Charts:

They grow up so fast.

So you want to be an author?!

When I started this process two years ago, my first thought was:

"How hard can it be to write a book?"

Well...
Do you have a genre?  There are plenty out there, but will it be nonfiction or fiction; perhaps bio or autobiographical.  Fiction it is.  Nonfiction is too technical and would not give me the proper the outlet I was looking for.  Good, step one complete.  Now, follow through the next few ideas; murder, mystery, action, drama, romance or fantasy.  This part comes with another few questions.  Is there really anything that drives you?  What do you like to read?  And why?  Fantasy.  Why not?  It is fun, takes your mind away and does not necessarily have to be confined to the rules of reality.  Done and done.

Your decision is made, and everybody is happy right?  Now your direct competition is 'The Lord of the Rings', 'Harry Potter' and 'The Hunger Games'.  Well, if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right.

I jumped the gun a little bit.  What do those stories have?  A plot line.  So, do you have one?  Or how about an idea for one?  Is it any good?  I hope mine is; time will tell.  But this is where some real mental energy gets put to use.  There isn't a reason to write a book without a plot.  So, once you get the plot, the next step is to make sure it differs from the storyline.  Those two things are related and need to work as a team, but they are way different.  The plot is going to tell you the main parts of the adventure, but I had to hold myself back constantly from telling the whole story all at once.  I wanted to capture the readers and keep the story moving, while staying within the plot line.  Again, harder to do than to say, or even think.  It is hard not to let your mind race ahead and want to write it all out right this second.  I had to resort to starting five or six chapters at once so that I could feel the excitment about writing everything, but also not trip myself up.  My wife would ask me what was going to happen, and I would tell her, "I don't know.  The story hasn't told itself to me yet."  That is a weird feeling.  To be the author of your own book and not know how it was going to go, or end.

Now, you may have guessed this, but a story does not work unless you have characters!  So, then you need one, two, three...70 people, give or take, to be in you story.  They all look different and each has their own background and story to tell, themselves.  It is interesting to have all of these people that do not exist and then you...get to know them?  Yep, you get to know them and change them.  You can make them be good, or evil.  They can have a speech impediment or be a little looney.  Talk about imaginary friends!  The best part is that you can make them do anything.  Or anything can happen to them.  In fact, it is particularly fun to make horrible things happen to the characters, just to see what happens and how they react.  Not only does the story develop in a believable fashion, but you build character (no pun intended) in your characters.

Ok, you have characters, droves of them.  Do they live anywhere?  They sure do.  But, you have to make some landscapes for them.  Some live by the sea, or on farmland, or in the mountains.  You know that the characters are the main players of the story, but does the landscape have anything to do with it?  You bet it does.  The landscape can trap a character or even kill them.  Send them into a pit, or across a desert.  Make it rain!  Again, you might think of yourself as a sadist, but bad things must happen to your characters, so that they may overcome them.  A dreamland is not entertaining, but neither is a depressing hell.  Meet it somewhere in the middle.

Here's the checklist so far:
Ideas, plot line, story line, characters, landscapes...
Phew.  Just a little more to go.

Time to sit down and actually do it.  Come up with an outline that uses the plot as a basis and fill in the gaps with storytelling.  This is going to get it all out on paper.  It won't look like much, and I admit this part wasn't that much fun.  I kept looking at this as getting in the way, like it was sort of delaying my creative process.  But trust me, you need this.   There is no way you can remember everything you ever thought of.  This is constructive, even though it is not what you want to truly be doing.  Then when I actually sat down to write I had my ideas ready.  What a feeling to start with a blank piece or paper (Word Doc) and write out: Chapter I

It was liberating.  My mind was set free.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  Then, when I looked back at what I accomplished, it was a lot longer than I anticipated.  I was getting somewhere.  This could actually happen!  Ok, let's devote some time to this.  Before I knew it, writing became one of my hobbies.

It took me about six months to write my book using lunch breaks or some early mornings.  But the planning stage was about twice that long.  That was hard, waiting for so long to see anything come together.  Now that the book is finished, another big decision needed to be made.  Is this all there is?  Should I sit on this stack of papers and call it a completed project?  Or, can I get it published?  That is the final frontier and one that I am working on as I write this.  And I'll tell you, getting this book published makes me want to start all over again and write another book.  A sequel will be coming to follow the story even further.

I can't tell you more about my book than I already have because I am in the process of getting a copy write, and ISBN number.  In fact, most of the "book work" is not any farther along than that stack of papers.  But I have seen some proofs of the cover design and that was pretty exhilarating.  I am not even sure which remaining steps need to be taken, but I have good people working with me on it.  Then, you might actually see it in the stores.  What a day that should be!       

How to do Everything Yourself

It was mothers day. My wife was very pregnant with who we now know as Briarly. It was necessary to do SOMETHING for her for her first unofficial mothers day. When I asked what she would like, she said, "You know, I would really like to have my car detailed so that when the baby arrives we can at least start out with a clean car."

To which I replied, "Sure! But I'm not paying a couple hundred clams for someone else to do it. F@&% that. I'll do it myself."

Four months later her car is still fuzzy and messy inside. I never got around to it. A million things to do before the baby came and it just got lost in the shuffle. 

But it was then that I realized that this was a common theme for me. I like to think that I can do all the things. I also have a tendency to overdo those things when I finally get to them. For example, a few years ago the Penguins finally made a run in the playoffs so my friend Charlie and I decide we should get some folks together. But watching on a 55" HD screen is not good enough, so we assembled a complete backyard theater, complete with one monster sound system and a 16' X 9' HD screen. 

I began to look back and make of list of all the things I should have paid someone to do that I, instead, tackled myself, and likely overdid. This list went back a long way, but the majority of these things happened since I bought my house on a shoe-string budget and couldn't afford to pay for people to do things for me. Despite myself, and with the help of a few friends, I have been able to do some pretty good tackling. 

In the Spring of 2002, I had finished my hitch in the Army and was moving back home to work with my dad and start a new life. Before I even got home, my dad was talking about fixing up his pond in the backyard by doing some landscaping, adding a second pond and maybe a waterfall. Make a sort-of rock/pond garden. In order to do this, someone would have to remove a deeply rooted tree, dig a deep hole, install a pond form, buy and haul 147 tons of river-rock by hand, calculate and install an underground pump system, build a stream, shallow the lower pond and somehow not kill all the fish. That would cost a fortune to pay someone to do. We said, "F@&% that. We'll do it ourselves." Five weeks later we got it finished, but we paid a price.

Two years later, I had just bought my own house in town and I also needed to do a little yard work. Climbing the front steps of my new house was like trying to get to the top of Mount St. Ankle Sprain through the Land of the Torn ACL without falling over the rusty, bent-up railing into Tetanus Abyss. Scaling this thing sober was a chore, let alone all the nights I came home drunk and crawled up for my own safety. So my friend Paul and I were bored one day and decided to destroy and replace them. It would certainly cost a fortune for someone to come in and take out the old and replace them with shiny new concrete, so, of course, "F@&% that. I'll do it myself." A month later, ten yards of concrete and much sweat and blood, I had some new front steps. I paid a price. 

The theme continued. "Hey Paul, I heard you want a bar installed in your pool room. Don't pay anyone. F@&% that. We'll do it ourselves."

"What's that, honey? You want to pay someone to replace the plumbing in the upstairs bathroom? F@&% that. I'll do it myself."

"You want ALL the trees behind the house cut down? Fine, but F@&% that. I'll do it myself."

Fast-forward a few years and my now wife had moved in. The front steps project from before should have continued to the front porch, but I was out of time, money and energy. Filled with confidence from years of moderate successes, it was now time to tackle the big stuff. What I really needed was an army of laborers and about $30,000, but, "F@&% that. I'll do it myself."  I needed to re-grade the back of the house, repair the crumbling wall under the front porch, remove all of the bushes and other landscaping, pour sixty feet of footing for a retaining wall, remove 48 million tons of clay, build a deck, and dig and install new French drains around the house. All while preparing for baby's arrival, which meant rearranging all the furniture, painting the nursery, buying and assembling all the baby furniture, maintaining a demanding job and taking care of a pregnant wife. Not complaining, just sayin'.  I am currently paying the price. 

The landscape work is more than half-completed, but now there is a baby and a family. Once these last projects are completed, I think that I will have finally reached the point in life where I no longer want to "F@&% that" and "do it myself". I want to pay to have someone else do the crap that I don't have the time and energy to do anymore. 

Instead of those things, I want to spend time with my young family. I love my life, and want to live it, not work through it. I want to nurture my daughter, spend the few quiet seconds I have every day with my wife, write for this blog, maybe someday play chess with Terry or grab a beer with my friends. Life is too short to be a slave at work AND at home. 

So, F@&% that. I won't do it myself. 

It matters

Life passes by.  Second per second, minute per minute.  It all adds up.  There are some that are into this YOLO thing and others that are doing what they feel they must to get through it.  But you cannot forget the small things that make life so memorable.  Sure, there are good things and bad things that happen to everyone.  How else to we get all those stories that we share when we get together?

But there are a few things that I have gathered together and formed into a list of what really does matter.  This list is neither finished when I post it nor complete even in the paragraph I spend on each topic.  I am sure you could add many more things to it, and feel free to!

Time matters: Here is one that I have a fatal flaw with.  I am governed by the clock.  I am not talking about having a finite amount of time on this earth.  Everyone's clock is ticking at a slightly different rate for that one.  But what I am talking about is being prompt and staying on schedule.  For me, I actually get visibly upset if I cannot meet a deadline, or be somewhere on time.  My perception is that everyone will be judgmental of me if I waste their time.  So I do what I can to keep the ball rolling and get things done, efficiently and fast, and early if possible.  This is furthered though when that very perception is reversed.  I cannot take it when I am forced into being late because someone did not get ready in time.  Or perhaps someone did not meet me at the time we agreed upon.  This one is just as frustrating.  Time matters, and I hate wasted time.  It is a precious commodity that gets de-prioritized all the time (no pun intended).  I work with the public...another giant source of time crunching.  People always wonder why the doctor runs behind schedule.  No, it is not because they over-booked the schedule.  It is because patients come late to their appointment.  Then they ask, "Don't you value my time?"  And I want to ask them the same question back.  Sometimes a patient requires more time.  That is plenty fine with me.  I take every chance to accommodate as much time as I can for everyone.  But then when the very next patient complains that I spent a half of an hour with the previous gentleman and only fifteen minutes with them, then another talk must ensue.  "I spend the time each person requires.  Do you have anything else I can do for you?  Any other question I can answer?  Anything else you need?"  Here comes the response, "No, I just wanted you to know."  Thanks, now I am further behind.

The Score matters: They don't give the Stanley Cup to both teams.  The score matters on a level that is deep.  When people say it isn't about winning or losing, it's how you play the game, they are being nice.  But they are not that far from the mark if you delve into it.  If you are a winner, be a gracious one.  Winners aren't winners all the time.  That's why they play the games, right?  If you are the winner, you did something right.  You succeeded and triumphed.  It may mean you were superior to your opponent, but that doesn't mean that your opponent wasn't giving their all as well.  They wanted to win too.  But they don't need you to gloat and jeer (to their face).  And the losers have something to think about as well.  Losers aren't losers all the time.  But there are lessons to be learned.  Sometimes you just get beat!  You weren't as good, as fast, and skilled.  But sometimes you were the match of the century for your opponent.  They may have bested you, but you don't need to hang your head.  There are other times though that a loss is just what you deserved.  Maybe you dogged it in practice or need to learn a new technique.

Family matters: They say you can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your family.  I guess nothing can be truer.  Friends may come and friends may go, and friends can peter out, you know... If you can finish that little ditty, you must be one of my friends.  My family may not know all about that song or any of the other toasts that we give during the wee hours, but they don't have to.  Family will be there anytime you need them.  That's what family is for.  They are the people that love you no matter what, until the end of your days, or theirs.  There is no greater bond.  That bond supersedes even if you disobey, or march to your own drum.  They will be there even if you are not for a while.  There is always the family connection.  All it takes to rekindle is your willingness to do so.  I encourage you to do it if you need to!

Health matters: Here is one that can go easily overlooked.  Do you feel good?  Probably, but that doesn't mean that you are not a ticking time bomb.  People get drained.  They get tired.  They get stressed.  They get sick.  There isn't an animal out there that doesn't have these cycles.  But here is something that you really have a decent say-so in.  You can choose to eat properly.  You can choose to exercise.  You can adopt a low stress lifestyle.  When you hear about your body being a temple, it goes without saying that it should not be as big as a temple.  Your body will respond to what you do to it.  It gives you back what you put into it.  Isn't that something to admire?  Sometimes I get a compliment at work...people will ask how old I am.  When I tell them what my (actual) age is, they ask, "How do you do it?"  It is funny to watch their expression when I reply, "You know, good old diet and exercise.  Just what they tell you to do."  Most of them are shocked.  I think they were hoping I was going to tell them there was a magic pill.

You matter: Yet another - and probably the most - important thing that matters.  You!  There are many people in the world that need you.  You may not even be aware of all the people you touch and influence along your way.  There are people who admire you, learn from you, look up to you, and love you.  You are important because you are you, and there is no one else quite the way you are.  This requires some responsibility from you, though.  You are needed.  Whether you are needed to babysit or needed go out to share some advice over a beer, your actions will help determine the future.  What kind of power is that?!  I bet you didn't give much thought about changing the future, but there you are, day after day, making it happen.

So that is what I've got for this segment.  Until next time...   

How to try Different Things

Go a different way to work. Throw food on the floor and laugh. Try to empathize with someone. Cook a Turducken. Just do something different. 

I told myself a few months ago that I was going to try and do something new to me every day. Maybe it would be to look at a new website or to shop at a different grocery store. 

It's amazing what you can find when you push yourself out of your little bubble.

I was too young to remember, but my mother says that I was so afraid of new things when I was a baby that she could sit me in the middle of the horrible green living room carpet on a blanket with a toy or two and go clean the entire house. When she was done she would come back and find that I hadn't moved an inch. I just sat in the middle of the room trying to figure it all out from a distance. She tells me that that example is a microcosm of my personality. I was also breach at birth before the emergency C-section. She says I wanted to "test the waters" with my feet before really committing.  

It has always been tough for me to leave familiar territory, although I've always tried to push myself out of it. Joining for Army was as far as I have ever gone from my perfect little world. Even then I was anxious to get back to my little bubble. So after my hitch I moved home where everything was warm and fuzzy and happy. It wasn't until after spending several years stagnating I knew it was time to make a change. 

But, why? It was so nice there in the bubble! I had a decent job, a little house, a nice truck, a wonderful family and lots of friends and drinking buddies. I did whatever whenever, with virtually no casualties aside from my liver and bank account. But it wasn't enough. There was no future, no security, no promise. If I didn't push myself out of that comfort zone I would die there. Likely of cirrhosis and boredom. 

And then I met my wife. She never asked me to, but I knew I had to make some changes. Out of the "comfort zone" I went. Again. This time it would be to learn a trade and get a real job outside the family business and the Army. In other words, one from which I could get fired. And it was outside of my known world. Oh No! How could I possible survive this gauntlet? Oh, the anxiety!

A few years have gone by now and I have a good job with good benefits in a good business. I still fight the urge to create new little comfort zones inside my new world. Can't help it. Don't judge me. 

But what has come to light is that I don't have to leave my comfort zone, I just need to make it bigger. More experiences = more comfort. And the more diverse and interesting the experiences are, the more diverse and interesting we become. 

Every new experience guarantees a bigger comfort zone. If you try driving a new way to work, it's not new anymore. For example, I find myself writing this from atop a bucket in an unfinished electrical closet on the fifth floor of a construction site in downtown Pittsburgh. No bathroom, permanent power or even a chair to sit on. Sounds dreamy, right? It's really not a bad gig. This is not a place I ever thought I would find myself, and I certainly never expected it to be in my little realm of knowledge and comfort. (We have an 8-week old little girl at home if you wanna talk about leaving the comfort zone...)

Yet I find myself comfortable here and in places I never even knew existed. My goal is to try something new once a day, even if it's as simple as reading a new blog, making up new, goofy lyrics for kids' songs to sing to my daughter, or picking my nose left-handed. 

Any other suggestions, feel free to comment. Be gentle. 

How I'm trying to get the Cheese

What is success these days in the so-called "rat-race"? Is it showing up at the same place everyday collecting a paycheck or is it more?

When we get a job, all we have really done is compile the knowledge and skill required to do a task. That is all. We haven't built anything of our own to speak of except to make ourselves more marketable.

I sometimes wonder how much of an individual's successes are the successes of others. We go to work everyday and work for a person or a company or an entity that started or began from nothing. 

Promotions and raises are based on longevity in most companies. People are rewarded and promoted for simply showing up for years, not always due to growth or abilities. Corporate America is like that. The Army is like that. It is very difficult to drum someone out of a large conglomo-corporation. It takes research and evidence and months of planning. As a result we have an apathetic cast of millions that provide little for humanity. 

Do we, as employees of businesses, corporations, governments, etc., give ourselves too much credit? We call ourselves successful if we manage to show up someplace every day and take home a check. How is that successful? What have we created on our own? We're all just rats in a maze trying to get to a piece of cheese. 

The point is that I would like to be successful in creating something of my own. Being a cog in the machine and working my way up the ladder over thirty years sounds like slavery to me. We must get in line. Do what we're told. Attend meetings. Make money for others while we struggle just to keep up. Eke together a miserly savings and hope to retire before we're dead. Sounds horrible. 

The problem is that getting out of the "rat-race" is easier said than done. We would all like to be independently wealthy and do whatever we want all the time. The "rat-race" typically either snuffs out creativity or consumes it for it's own purpose which leaves little scraps left for the minions on which it depends to survive. 

I'm not saying I despise the "rat-race". It is a stepping stone. It pays the bills. It enables me to increase my savings. It helps me put food on the table and a cozy life for my family. However, I don't want to go to work everyday with fear that something will collapse and I will lose my job. If someone else has a bad day and doesn't sell enough I could lose my job. That sucks. 

I want to be successful, but not in a "showing up at the same place doing the same crap everyday" kind of way.  I want to create something of my own. I want to be truly free. I want to make it so that if I would ever lose my job I won't care, or I will be capable of simply quitting my job. 

So, today I create this post. This is my creative outlet until I make time for more. Not sure how far it will get me, but it's a start in creating something new or trying something new every day (future post). 

But alas, while I cook up some scheme that likely won't work (I'm a cynic, after all), I'll keep trying to get to the cheese first.