How to House-Sit for Cat Owners

Here are the instructions for the house while we are away.

Upon gaining entry to the garage, ignore the loud grinding noises from the screw drive, it will stop eventually. Look out for the pile of stuff on your left that was supposed to be taken to be donated three months ago. It may collapse if you breath on it the wrong way and you will be trapped and die a slow death. Same goes for the garbage can. Do not disturb it as the ecosystem living inside it is quite fragile. The creatures living within the trash mountain survive by eating remnants from soup cans, beer bottles, banana peels, and used diapers. Up ahead on your left you will find the key for the front door sitting on top of the white stand by the cordless drill. 

Open the door to the basement and use your foot to try and keep the cat inside while at the same time reaching around the support beam to close the garage door. This can be a bit tricky since you want to spend as little time in the garage as possible due to the noise of the garage door but you also want to prevent the cat from escaping. If Max does get into the garage, look for him in places like this:

In extreme cases, you may need X-ray night-vision power-scope goggles to search out hiding places like this:

Once inside the house, the light switch is on the right wall. Make your way past the bar stools and proceed to the upstairs where there will be a bevy of cats waiting for their dinner. Both the dry and wet cat food must be locked away in the hallway closet since they would likely eat themselves to death if it were to be left out. 

Pick a random pouch of the Whiskas cat food and try not to trip over the starving critters on the walk back to the kitchen. 

Here are their mugshots for identification purposes:

Jose:

Max:

Sambuca:

Their food is dispersed thusly:

Jose gets about half the pouch and the other two split the rest. The only thing we really care about is Jose getting wet food. The others can do without since they are fat. They will all likely develop diabetes soon and Wilford Brimley will need to be notified. 

You put Max's in front of the fridge on your way to put down Jose's and Buca's. 

Note: It may seem silly to have to place these bowls in these locations in these orders, but do it wrong and the herd will be stumbling and tripping over itself and the confusion may trigger an abandonment of the food (many times this also triggers a spastic evacuation from the scene by Sumbuca, but she is basically out of her tree so don't worry). Do not fret if they scatter as someone always comes back to eat the leftovers. 

This procedure is necessary both in the morning and in the evening. However, Jose seems to beg around the clock these days, so ignore him when he comes begging four minutes after eating. This is just a test to determine your level of sucker. If he senses weakness the panhandling will never end.

If you notice the boys beating the shit out of each other in the morning, it is either because they have low blood sugar and are very cranky or they are one short step from feline cannibalism. We're not sure if they're playing their own version of the Hunger Games or they just want attention. Either way, kindly prepare their breakfast else someone ends up bloody.

Every time you go to the kitchen for anything, Jose will likely follow you just to see if he can convince you of his imminent starvation. At night he will sit on the mat in front of the stove. This sometimes draws attention from the other two and you will suddenly be swarmed. He is not begging for wet food, but instead he is begging for dry treats that are in the cupboard above the mixer. In that case:

Here are the nighttime dry treat assignments:

Jose: Urinary Health treats (2), and a couple others if you feel like it

Max: A few treats in clear canister with green lid

Buca: Hairball control treats (10)

This ritual is less important than the wet food, but you will learn quickly that the flea people expect something each and every time you walk into the kitchen. Sometimes they will watch over you as you sleep so don't be scared by the gargoyle's on the nightstand. Just don't think of Paranormal Activity with cats and you'll be fine. You can help this by keeping both bowls of dry food full at all times. If you don't, they will file a grievance and you will have to work off the demerits with some petting.  

Some other strange behavior you need not be concerned by:

• Max may try and shower with you and will magically appear anytime you turn water on anywhere. He will concuss himself to get into the upstairs bathroom if you appear to be heading in that direction. 

• Jose may try to smother you in your sleep if he likes you. He will be in your face. 

• Sambuca pukes.

Do NOT be fooled. These pets are not being abused no matter how much they convince you otherwise. Don't be alarmed if you see any of these things:

Some things to remember:

• It is their house and they are just letting you stay here.
• Things will occasionally go bump and hiss in the night.
• Try not to show weakness because they can sense it.
• Please don't let them outside. They won't survive more than 8 minutes.

Oh yeah, try to water the plants everyday so they don't die. 

Enjoy your stay at our house. Don't hate us for being cat people. Please come back next year. Please!