PAIN

PAIN

Definition:

"First attested in English in 1297, the word peyn comes from the Old French peine, in turn from Latin poena meaning "punishment, penalty"(in L.L. also meaning "torment, hardship, suffering") and that from Greek ποινή (poine), generally meaning "price paid, penalty, punishment"."

Interesting. . .punishment is a theory for pain. At least in its origin of the word.

Certainly I'm not one to disagree, considering the life I've led and the sins I've committed in flagrante dilecto, or whatever. . .I deserve whatever comes my way, I suspect. God knows I've been flagrant in my "Dilectos" throughout my life! But at least, they've all been "delicious" in my flagrancy! (Pardon. . .)

I just don't want to have to deal with it, now that I'm older and have some more free time to "play" but can't because of that "pain" thing. . .And, besides, I've straightened up in so many ways. . .except for my back.

So now pain is an issue. And appears to be a MAJOR looming issue at my age, in my life. What to do?

So, I look up treatments for pain on Google. . .And here it comes. . .The list begins. . .

1. Exercise.

This is true. I go to the gym almost daily and it is my experience that stretching, exercising my Core and just getting my fat in gear helps me through the day! Pain in the ass it is but undeniably a good thing to do.  Damn! I'm lazy. Once a week ain't good enough! And that's the Truth!

2. Fish Oil.

Known for its anti-inflammatory properties, I can't tell you a thing about it. I just don't usually eat fish. "Don't know about it," if you catch me off-guard. . ."Fuck it," if you catch me just waking up. . ."Fish Oil Wackos" if you catch me in a bad mood. . .

3.Turmeric.

Often found in spicy foods, which I love, but when I read this, my response was, "??" And then, to myself, I said, "Bullshit" But my search for pain management has led me to extreme corners of rationality to control it. I just may wind up eating fish-smelling spicy bugs just to relieve my distress! All avenues are open! Honest! I can believe in spicy foods if I have to!

4. Reservatrol.

Found in red wine, grapes and berries, this just may be my treatment of choice. Though effective in trace elements, I find it particularly useful in massive doses of comatose-inducing dosages of multiple bottles at a time. There are residual side effects, however, like, waking up on the Ohio Turnpike with a strange woman at your side, handcuffed to the steering wheel, praying that she has the key to the cuffs and the key to the car. With its counter-intuitive side-effects, it's probably a chemical to be ingested less than that turmeric thing. . .Though, I'll admit to liking wine more than spicy foods. . .medicine is Hard, sometimes!!

5. Heat Therapy.

Now this is interesting! They say using heat and cold therapy are time honored ways to reduce inflammation. And, especially, just after an injury, ice is the preferred treatment to reduce inflammation. To which, I add my personal commentary: "Bullshit!" I HATE cold! Any Time! But they say if you have lingering back spasms, "suggesting a warm shower," perhaps with a warm body, (but that's just my additive. . .) but NEVER an Ice Pack! Boo!!

6. Meditation.

And this is my nemesis. It is an unmistakable fact that meditation works, according to the literature. But I have NEVER meditated that I know of, - Hell, I'm not sure I've ever had a thought! - and certainly not in public, and, if you ask me, I don't even know how! And that's the kicker! They say you don't have to know anything. Just meditate, thinking about anything, and the results are undeniable. . .You hurt less!! ??? What, I'll wake up and find I've soiled myself?? Lovely.

The last time they picked me up on the street uttering, "Ohmmm. . .Ohmmm,. . ." It cost me $4,000 and 12 months of probation to get it removed from my record! (See No. 4 above.) The cat STILL doesn't trust me completely. (My dog would, but he died. The Good Ones do.)

This (Meditation) is the area I have to explore! I can't drink more wine, I can't stand to eat more fish, I don't have time to go to the gym more than I do, and if I eat more spicy food, I'll have to invest in a steel toilet with my stomach, and I damn near fry my back every chance I get when I turn my car seats on "HEAT!". That means, I gotta meditate more!

"Mind over matter" is a secret that my cousin Joe (psychologist) told me about 30 years ago. And, damn!, he was right?!?! Where's his number? . . .